Monday, May 28, 2012

Three Strange Days

are yet to come.

They will be long days, but will be over quickly.
They will be busy days, but following will be the calm of summer.
They will be filled with apathy yet so much emotion.

High school has always felt this way though:
It's so abrupt. There's no wind-down. There's no closure.
Even though this is the final year.

I thought it would be different.

I thought, despite my oh-so-anxious-manner to get out of here, that I would feel something.

Not that I don't. It's just...well for one, it hasn't quite hit me yet; it feels like any other year ending. And I think that will stop the first day I get homesick in college. Second, I've been anticipating this since semester two of freshman year. It's been "time" for a while. Third, it is coming so quickly that I don't even have the time to feel anything...

I'm stressed, as usual. And I have a lot to do.
I'll just be working working working, and then BAM. It's over.

No time to let it sink in.
And I know it's going to weird for me when it finally does.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I Should Do This More Often...

Sorry for being so weird and emotional.

I'm just sick of some people, and I'm stressed, and anxious, and tired.

It happens.

But I feel good today, cause I did productive things.
  • Cleaned the kitchen.
  • Washed the floors. (these two were done while listening to Sondre Lerche and his Panadora station, which put me in a really good mood)
  • Washed my clothes, towels, and sheets.
  • Washed rugby jerseys. 
  • Put everything away.
  • Tidied my room. (aka the papers/folders/notebooks that have been piling up over the year)
  • Cleaned my bathroom. (much needed)
  • Vacuumed my room.
  • Made my dad lemon bars. (finally)
  • Read for a while.
  • Played outside with my dogs. (even though it's cold and wet)
So that's what my day has been like so far.
I still need to go for a run, shower, and then go grocery shopping.
Also I need to take out money for tomorrow and Tuesday.

But, overall. I feel really good today. It's always nice to have a productive day that isn't stressful. 
I feel accomplished.

I guess my point is that I need to start doing more productive things when I'm home, instead of being on the computer so much. I think that is partially why I've been so antsy lately. 

Okie doke.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

What I Want.

I want every one to leave me the fuck alone, right now.

My family has been in my business lately, and I hate it.


Kira, didn't you just run, yesterday?
Kira, you're running too much.
Kira, you should eat an egg, you probably need protein.
Kira, you're not eating nutritionally.
Kira, did you eat dinner?
Kira, are you getting enough iron?
Kira, what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Kira, how come you are in your room all the time?
Kira, why don't you get enough sleep?
Kira, what are you doing that for?
Kira, get of the computer.
Kira, don't be so pissy all the time.
Kira, spend more time with us.
Kira, spend more time with your friends.
Kira, stop complaining.
Kira, why didn't you tell me you were going somewhere?
Kira, are you upset?
Kira, do you want to talk about it?


I've been beating myself up lately because I've been unreasonably crabby or upset. But I'm starting to have doubts about the "unreasonable" part.

I'm so sick of everyone being concerned with the things I eat, the things I do, the places I go...
It's never mattered before. Why now?

I'm exhausted.
I feel weak.
I just want to be alone.

It's not because I'm running too much.
It's not because I need to eat.
It's not me being anti-social.

I understand: things have been stressful lately.
This is how I react. Leave me alone and I'll feel better in no time. 

Just because you don't deal with things this way, doesn't mean I can't.
Why doesn't that make sense to you?

Friday, May 18, 2012

I don't know what's going on, exactly.
But I feel awful right now.

And I want to talk to someone about it, but I don't have anyone to go to.

Sunday, May 6, 2012


Right now, I'm the type of busy where there is so much going on that I don't actually do anything, because I don't know where to start.

Last year, when I tried polyphasic sleeping, I really thought it was going to solve all my problems. I think it might have helped (had I not been such a pussy and failed at adapting to it), but I honestly think there is no such thing as having enough time.

There are so many things that I've been meaning to do, but haven't gotten around to.

These are just a few of them. And please, feel free to skip over this next paragraph. It's just to demonstrate how much I'm slacking.

I need to clean, start projects, finish projects, study, catch up on things, get head starts on things...
My room's a huge mess and I promised Mom I would clean the floors for her two weeks ago. I haven't started my Ancient Civ project (which doesn't matter much, but I've had plenty of time). I have to finish doing my lab write-ups for PhysX because I always leave them until the night before the test, and that sucks. And I need to study for freaking AP tests (one of which is tomorrow holyfuck). I also haven't been watching Doctor Who lately, cause I haven't been nagging like I usually do. I haven't been reading The Fountainhead. I haven't been watching PBFB. I need to call Michele about this summer. I need to get a hold of Anna about camping. I need to get a haircut.

See the size of that list? And that's only part of it.

So. I mean, some of those are little things; unimportant things. Some of them aren't though.

And besides. That's not the point. The point is there's never enough time. Because even if I had five more hours of fully-functional-awake-time in my day than the average person, I would still be behind.

I'm trying to figure out how much I care.
Probably not a lot, considering I am blogging about it rather than trying to get some of those things checked off my list.



What? Nothing. Who said that?