hi life is hard right now

Sometimes as a little motivation to keep on keepin' on, all you need are things to look forward to.

• In 2 days this semester will officially be over
• In 4 days I will get to see my puppy and my parent's new (actual) puppy
• In 17 days my friend Rentao is going to visit me in The Cities
• Next semester I will only be taking 12 credits
• I'll be making more money come Spring
• My roommate will be someone I know

Alright, Kira. There you have it. 

These next two days are going to be exhausting, but there's plenty to look forward to at then end of it all. 

I think the scariest part about the semester coming to an end is the realization that I was headed to Edinburgh almost a year ago.

A shift in perspective

Something you once viewed as a sort of freedom is now something you feel trapped within.
Something you once felt trapped within is now something you view as a sort of freedom.

I used to think there was a certain strength in changing the numbers on the scale. Watching them fall, as I would restrict or purge food. It was something I was almost proud of - felt accomplished in. And yet now, I look back and realize I was a slave to my own habits. I was weak: mentally and physically. I used to have this photo saved on my laptop as "free". I thought she was beautiful. And now I see that she's trapped.

I used to feel anxiety about situations over which I had no control. Unfortunately for me, a lot of life is out of one's control. I used to beat myself up over this concept: I would find things I could control. They were almost always a sort of punishment to myself - as if the lack of control was was my own fault. I thought I was trapped in situations which I couldn't manipulate. But there's a release in those situations. And now I see that I'm free.

By nightfall, you'll be gone

Beautiful snow falls at dawn:
White, impressionable, and new.
Billowy in appearance, it sits on your lawn,
Covering the world you thought you knew.

Yet clean and bright it does not stay,
Its flawless surface you wish to harness.
You cannot resist - it invites you to play.
Harsh is the world that makes it tarnish.

Look at me, and say whether you've known me before.

I just finished watching David Lynch's Inland Empire.

It's wild, and almost exhausting to watch (maybe in part due to it being 3.5 hours long).
But overall, it's excellent. If you ever feel compelled, someday you should strap in and prepare for a mindfuck.

Update, because what the hell.

Hey.

This past weekend, my car was impounded, which ended up being a $300 fee. Cash only. $30 compound per day. I had to borrow money from a friend in order to recover it.

Fun times.

In other news, I recently received The Journal from Mexico (Angie sent it over a month ago, but apparently the Mexican Post takes forever). It's going to be sent around to all my friends from Edinburgh.
Angie wrote an introductory story about all of us for the first page. I wasn't expecting to, but I cried when I finished reading.

I'm supposed to fill in the second page; I'm not sure what to include.

I'm hoping to get that figured out this weekend.

My life isn't exactly coming together as I had hoped, but I've come to realize that's okay.

I've found myself laughing a lot more lately, which has been nice. I wasn't unhappy before, I've just found myself being particularly happy in the past couple weeks, despite some unfortunate situations that have arisen. 

I've discovered Portugal. The Man, thanks to my friend Bryan.

And I've been listening to the Vera Lynn station on Pandora for the past two days, which has been lovey.

Overall, life is swell.

That's all for now.

Peace.

Well, shit.

So, I've hit the point in my semester where I feel like I'm drowning.

I try to avoid these pessimistic posts. But hey, life happens.

I've accumulated a heaping amount of anxiety lately because I keep questioning my degree. I'm highly interested in Chemical Engineering, but I'm not performing very well in my courses.

I could blame the fact that I'm taking 18 credits, and that I'm working 14 hours per week. I could blame my poor internet connection at my apartment or the fact that I have been getting sick which is causing me to sleep more than usual.

But in reality, I always reach this point. Every semester starts out as new and exciting. Then comes the anxiety and cynicism.

I'm not sure what to do about it.

The thing is: if I weren't studying Chemical Engineering, I'm pretty sure my degree would be an entirely different focus. Nothing engineering-related. Probably not even maths/science.

It scares me a great deal.

Hopefully I will find a way to work through this. Hopefully in a week's time I will be happy and excited again and find something to hang onto to keep me afloat.

Until then, I'm going to wallow in my unreasonable amount of stress and hope that brings me to the motivation which I need to get by.

Food for thought (it might be poisoned)

There are little particles that constantly float around in your vision, but your brain tells you to ignore them.

Every once in a while, when looking at nothing, you'll notice.

I think that's fascinating.

College

These days are long but the hours are short.
I find myself trying to keep busy until I'll be able to do nothing.

Sleep doesn't come easily when I need it.
But it comes accidentally when it's most detrimental.

I'm deeply passionate about things, which gives me the illusion of happiness.
Perhaps that's enough.

I can't help but wonder when I'll reach my capacity.
Someday I will give up. It always happens.

I'll wait patiently. But I find I just don't have the time.

Observations

Walked out of my apartment on my way to Organic lecture. Was the first time it had been sunny today.

Passed a guy in a blue shirt. Thought about smiling at him, but didn't.

White truck that had to slow down just slightly because I miscalculated the time it would take to cross the street.

Open doors of the bus. Eye contact with an Asian man standing on the top stair. 

Thoughts wandered from there. 

Finally accepted that sometimes there are situations over which I have no control. Not sure why this came to me.

Absentmindedly passed the building in which I have class. Didn't mind cause the weather felt nice on me.

Never has too much time passed to reconnect with an old friend

So hello, old friend. Yes, it's been a while. But I'm back.

I've been returned from Scotland now for nearly the same amount of time that I was there. What a nice slap-in-the-face to show me how quickly time has passed.

Year three.
I'm taking 18 credits and I'm trying to stay involved with my clubs. I'm enjoying working at the cafes, with the lovely people and the hectic atmosphere. I've also recently attended the Career Fair and landed a couple of interviews; so hopefully this summer will consist of an internship.

I've been "talking" to a boy, lately. Whatever the hell that means.
I've been living with Dillon, who was a complete stranger until two months ago.
I've gotten two tattoos, recently.

I'm happy.

I'm so incredibly different, these days. I don't know how to explain it, or if I even have to.
Maybe it was Edinburgh; maybe it's just life.

But here I am.
Kira Yei Engebretson.

Old friends, new friends, potential friends: hello.

There's nothing like finding good music

Remember a while back when I was all excited about twenty one pilots?

That was upon hearing their third album, Vessel; I just bought their first album.
It is beyond incredible.

I figured since I linked you to the first song I'd ever heard off Vessel last time, it would be appropriate for me to link you to the first song I heard off their self-titled album, as well.

So here is "Implicit Demand for Proof".

I hope you enjoy.

I'm a girl.

I can be foolish, in that way.
But I can be a bitch, in that way.

Don't underestimate me.

Hello, yes, I am in Scotland.

I transferred my posts over to a new blog, which I've created for my time abroad.
I'll keep it updated with blog posts, links to my latest vlog, and pictures that I accumulate!

You can check it out here

or you can copy/paste this url:
kirainscotland.blogspot.com