hi

it was a really tough week. but i get to see my dog today


this week's goal: breathe

Let's face it. We all have problems.

Not too long ago my roommate and her boyfriend of 2-years broke up. It was sort of a long-time coming, since they realized that their life goals didn't match with each other's, and there were other small issues (which all couples have) that tended to get magnified by the whole ordeal. Well anyway, they broke up. My roommate has been handling it well; she took her time to be sad, which is normal, but now she has more-or-less moved on and I think she's happy. Which is great.

Her (ex) boyfriend, on the other hand, has yet to tell his family and friends that he's single. He claims it's to "avoid the awkwardness" which...fine. I get it. Breakups are notoriously awkward and it's really tough to be graceful about it no matter what the underlying circumstances are. But honestly, I think it's making it harder for him to let go. Hearing yourself say something out loud is what it takes to truly admit that fact to yourself. Maybe he can't tell anyone because he hasn't actually accepted it yet.

Anyway that whole blurb is just a long introduction to this thing I realized about my life (because omg I can't believe we weren't talking about me for that long, I mean I am a Millennial and therefore I am a narcissist).

All sarcasm aside though, I realized I need to admit some things to myself. And it's really hard to do this, but I need to so that I can deal with it and move on.

First of all, I am struggling with some severe anxiety and depression right now. I think I've always been a high-anxiety person, which most people at this age are experiencing as well. I have never handled it supremely well, but I was always able to at least get though it.

Well, either it built up more than usual or I have become worse at handling it, because about a month ago I tried to kill myself. And I contemplated it again a few weeks ago. It seemed completely reasonable at the time, but obviously I've now come to realize that was stupid. I had actually thought myself a coward for not being able to go through with it, but really that was my messed up brain trying to murder itself. Funny, right? (Okay, not actually. But this is a weird thing to talk about so I'm trying to be nonchalant to make it easier.)

So I've been seeing a counselor and I was put on some medication and that didn't work so they upped my dosage and put me on a second medication simultaneously and if this doesn't work they'll have to try a different medication...and it's a process. But I am working on it.

Another thing I need to admit to myself is this weird ambiguity about my sexual orientation. Okay so I am single, and I've only had a few meager attempts in the past at not being single. And for the most part I'm fine with that, but if you've known me the past few years you know how much I like to joke about how I'm "probably like 90% lesbian". And eventually that stuck, and then a bunch of my friends just thought of me as a lesbian. And then I started to wonder...like... am I a lesbian?

For a while I was like, "Yes, definitely. I am a lesbian, I should tell everyone so that I can start dating girls and be happy." And that was okay for a bit, but ultimately weird. I like girls sometimes, but I could never truly picture my future as me being married to a girl because I had this image of a family and (don't get me wrong, I think that anyone should be able to have a family) I've personally always had this traditional view of having a husband and three kids. And then I thought "Maybe that traditional family bullshit is just a social stigma, and maybe I need to get used to the idea that I'm a lesbian". So I tried adjusting to that mindset.

But what I'm actually pretty sure is the case is that the reason I can't bring myself to start a relationship with a guy...the reason I push away or pull back whenever things start to get serious, is because I'm still not over the fact that most of my sexual experiences have been without my consent.

Yeah. I have been raped a couple of times. It's such an ugly word and an ugly thing, and I felt ugly having been involved in it. But I am finally able to call it what it was, and say that I am a victim of rape and sexual abuse, and it sucks.

And it's really not that uncommon. I know SO many people who have been raped. And THAT sucks.

Anyway. I might be super gay, who knows. But I think coming to terms with my history could help me really figure myself out. But those are kind of the big problems I'm trying to deal with right now. And I don't think anyone really reads this, but if you are, I'm sorry if this made you uncomfortable. I figured this blog was a good outlet for me, because it's public so it really is a medium through which I can feel like I'm admitting something "out loud" (so to speak), and maybe I can start facing it.

I'm not going to start blabbing this to my friends, because I'm not ready for that. And yeah, maybe eventually I'll need support to get through this, but for now I just need to start by telling myself that it is what it is. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or thinking I'm fragile.

I'm okay. Or I'm working on being okay, at least.
Besides. We all have problems. So let's face it.


This week's goal: Start looking for research positions.

Apathy

This week's goal: Re-calibrate sleep schedule. 

Recap

Saturday: A friend was made.
Sunday: A goal was met.
Monday: I made her laugh.
Tuesday: I stayed awake.
Wednesday: The cops were called.
Thursday: I took control.
Friday: I saw old friends.

This week's goal: Put it in The Box.