Everybody knows the end.

It's really starting to feel like the "end of an era".

As August approaches, many of my friends are finally leaving. Some were sticking around until their leases ended and have jobs/graduate school lined up so they're finally moving locations to prepare for their next step.

I'm going home tomorrow to see a couple of these friends before they leave indefinitely, and I've been saying a lot of final "goodbyes" lately. It's crazy, and it's really sinking in.

I'm trying to remain optimistic about this next stage. I'm happy for all of my friends and their next steps in life, but as they leave me I can't help feeling anxious about moving on, myself.

I wish I felt more stable about the future. But I don't know for sure what I want to study, I don't know where I want to study, I don't know which school to apply to, I haven't even taken the GRE yet.

I know it's not something I can worry about right now, and I need to take everything one step at a time... but it's hard to wrap my head around it all.

For now I'll let myself feel sad and miss my friends, feel a little anxious about the future, and start getting ready to move forward.


This week's goal: Career counseling.

Well tonight was super weird.

But anyway...I'm going to bed.


This week's goal: Spend more time outside.

It's a Wonderful (enough) Life

I have this obsession with the 40's. I'm not exactly sure when this developed, or why per se, but I have this romanticized view of life back then that makes me feel almost nostalgic. Can you feel nostalgia for something you've never experienced? Anyway, it doesn't make sense when I really think about it. Things were far from great back then, what with World War II and all.

But looking at the pop culture of the time, with television and movies and music (especially the music) and it feels so wholesome. I think part of it was the simplicity, and with all the technology we have now (for as much as I appreciate it and clearly abuse it...) we have so many expectations and our culture has less...culture.

It's not that I wish I'd lived in the 1940's, but I guess I wish life was a bit more like that now. I wish more people were into swing dancing instead of dabbing, and that music was more in the style of Fred Astaire, Very Lynn, and Frank Sinatra instead of Pitbull, Rihanna, and Fetty Wap. I wish we had more actors like Jimmy Stewart and fewer like Adam Sandler.

I feel like modern culture is so tasteless. But at the same time, there's so much about living now that's truly incredible. It's hard to say. Every era has its iconic contributions, and every era also has its struggles (*cough* the upcoming election).

I guess I can't do anything about it, so the best thing is to just sit back and be grateful that modern technology allows me to access aspects of 1940's culture. I guess I can have both, in some ways. It's not the same but it'll have to do.


This week's goal: Finish Trainspotting.

Closure.

I finished my summer classes today, and it feels so fucking great to finally be doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

I honestly didn't know what it felt like to expect A's in classes anymore. That feeling hasn't happened really since high school (and maybe a few courses Freshman year).

One of my former professors asked me the other day how I felt about the switch. I told him...

"Imagine you were doing something with your life that as you continued to do it, it gave you mental breakdowns at increasingly frequent rates. And then finally one day, the rate was so high that you literally felt like you were going to be crushed from the pressure. I got out. So imagine how that feels."

And it was something that despite its (unsurprisingly) melodramatic nature, was honestly how I felt.

I kept questioning whether or not it was the right decision, and I kept having these weird pangs of failure that really stung and kept me from feeling truly happy. But the other day I realized I was actually ready to let go of it all. Ready to let go of Encapsys, the feeling of failure, and the idea that there was a chance that Chemical Engineering could have made me happy.

I am happy now. I am so comfortable with everything. And even though I'm a little disappointed in the actual Psychology undergrad curriculum at Iowa State, I know it'll eventually lead me to exactly what I want to be doing. And that's a great feeling.


This week's goal: Work on coding.

Karl is getting married tomorrow.

I don't really know how to verbalize my feelings yet, but I'm so excited. It's surreal.


This week's goal: Push social things with friends.