Hello again, blog.

So yesterday, I hung out with my friend Chris.

I didn't think I'd really care whether or not I saw him again, before he left for Indiana. Turns out I did. And it was really great, actually.

Sometimes Chris got upset with me because he felt like our friendship was always serious, and we were never able to joke. I think part of that, for me, was that his "jokes" were sort of condescending...so I didn't see the humor in them.

But we were able to joke around, yesterday. We talked about words that are gross, and I mentioned that Gina thinks the word "sack" is one of them. And he told me that any name for that region is pretty nasty. Like scrotum, testicles, junk...

Yeah. Definitely no more of the CA Chris is left.

Which brings me to the fact that there wasn't any awkward tension between us. I think all this time, he had a weird boundary of being my CA and yet still trying to be my friend. But no more CA Chris, just friend. And that was nice.

I also realized that he's a good friend. 

I got a little frustrated with him towards the end of semester, and I didn't care whether or not we kept in touch. I think my subconscious decided that since he was going to be so far away from me, I better stop liking him. It makes sense, I guess. It's easier that way. Because I've had a lot of good friends move away, and that's not easy.

Distance or none, however, a friend is a friend.

When the going gets tough...

It's noon on Wednesday, the 12th of December.
I've got a French final in two hours, followed immediately by a Calc final.

This week has been passing at an incredibly slow pace.
I'm not stressed for these finals. I'm not freaking out or wishing I had more time. I'm ready. I just want them to be done so I can go home.

But I'm doing alright. I've been making it through.
What keeps me going when I just want to give up?

• Pictures of Charlie that my mom keeps sending me.
• Random text messages from my dad, wishing me luck.
• Study breaks with Gel.
• Looking forward to our Secret Santa exchange on the 22nd.
• Fil's blog posts.
• Facebook messages from Sarah and Fatima telling me they got a bunch of notifications from Lauren.
• Tea and music.
• Making plans for break.
• Looking forward to my bed.
• Text messages from Bradley.
• C-Store runs for random study-necessities.

I'm ready for break. That's for sure.

But I'm doing alright, here. Hangin' on...

Obligatory End-of-Semester Post

So it's finals week.
Which is crazy.

I'm nearly finished with my first semester of college.
Can you believe it?

I thought this would feel different, you know? As a college kid, I thought...well, I thought I wouldn't feel like such a kid anymore.

I realize that it's only been a few months.
I realize there's a lot left to go.

But I'm supposed to be an adult now. I'm supposed to be growing up, and becoming independent.

Yet, I feel like I'm stuck.

All that time I spent trying to escape high school.
All that time I was eager to move on.
All that time I felt like I was ready.

I'm not sure if I am. But it's coming at me, ready or not.

Sometimes I think people go mentally insane because they want to run away, but they can't bring themselves to physically do that. So instead their minds run away, to somewhere nice. And we're left with the part that had to stay behind.

You have 3 wishes.

I wish that I could make people feel better.
I wish that there was less to do, and more time to do it.
I wish that I had a better self-image.

Panic

I feel like I am the moon, and you are the sun; the only reason I shine, even if dimly, is because I reflect your light, which is so great.

Window

"Can you fly?" She asks me.
Cold, black eyes stare back.
Her breath is the chilling night wind; I shiver.
The depths below are calling, taunting.
Her eyebrow raises.
"I dare you" she whispers.
I jump.

Last night (aka I feel like a zombie)

I rub my eyes as I stare at my computer screen, finally deciding that it's time for bed.

I get up and close our door; the hall lights are off, indicating Quiet Hours. I walk around as I brush my teeth, looking at the mess our room has become. There are puzzle pieces everywhere, holiday decorations that have fallen off the wall and broken, glitter glitter and more glitter...

As I go back to the sink to finish brushing my teeth, I see my reflection. I look tired. It's been a while since I've had the proper amount of sleep.

I look to see what Lauren's doing, and decide to keep the lights on since she is still studying.

I climb into my bed. Sleep sounds very welcoming.

My iPod is sitting on the side-table. I reach for it, and decide that it's a night for falling asleep to Kina Grannis.
I'm asleep before the first song finishes.

But then I am awake again.
The room is dark. I'm tangled my headphones and, even though there are no sounds, everything seems muted. I take my headphones out, and wrap them up around my iPod, replacing it on the side-table.

I close my eyes.

It's hot.
I can't get comfortable.
I'm not tired anymore.

I try shifting around. I try very hard to fall asleep again. But I can't.

So I get out of bed. I put some pants and a sweatshirt on, and I go outside.

This weather has been so weird. It's warm out: I can feel that it's humid, but I'm comfortable.
I sit on a bench in the courtyard.

And then, thoughts rush at me.
But they don't come in an orderly fashion. They don't come one by one for me to think about, work out, and then move on from.

I'm not sure why I'm outside. I'm not sure why I couldn't fall back asleep. I'm not sure why I woke up in the first place.

I sit on the bench for a while.

And then I wake up.
I'm don't know when I fell asleep, but I am curled up, and a little cold.
My phone is still charging in my room, so I don't know what time it is.
I pull my keys out of my pocket and go back inside.

I get into the room, and gently open the door. I don't look at the clock. I am tired.
I fall asleep easily this time, without knowing for how long I will be uninterrupted by my alarm clock...