Hello again, blog.

So yesterday, I hung out with my friend Chris.

I didn't think I'd really care whether or not I saw him again, before he left for Indiana. Turns out I did. And it was really great, actually.

Sometimes Chris got upset with me because he felt like our friendship was always serious, and we were never able to joke. I think part of that, for me, was that his "jokes" were sort of condescending...so I didn't see the humor in them.

But we were able to joke around, yesterday. We talked about words that are gross, and I mentioned that Gina thinks the word "sack" is one of them. And he told me that any name for that region is pretty nasty. Like scrotum, testicles, junk...

Yeah. Definitely no more of the CA Chris is left.

Which brings me to the fact that there wasn't any awkward tension between us. I think all this time, he had a weird boundary of being my CA and yet still trying to be my friend. But no more CA Chris, just friend. And that was nice.

I also realized that he's a good friend. 

I got a little frustrated with him towards the end of semester, and I didn't care whether or not we kept in touch. I think my subconscious decided that since he was going to be so far away from me, I better stop liking him. It makes sense, I guess. It's easier that way. Because I've had a lot of good friends move away, and that's not easy.

Distance or none, however, a friend is a friend.

When the going gets tough...

It's noon on Wednesday, the 12th of December.
I've got a French final in two hours, followed immediately by a Calc final.

This week has been passing at an incredibly slow pace.
I'm not stressed for these finals. I'm not freaking out or wishing I had more time. I'm ready. I just want them to be done so I can go home.

But I'm doing alright. I've been making it through.
What keeps me going when I just want to give up?

• Pictures of Charlie that my mom keeps sending me.
• Random text messages from my dad, wishing me luck.
• Study breaks with Gel.
• Looking forward to our Secret Santa exchange on the 22nd.
• Fil's blog posts.
• Facebook messages from Sarah and Fatima telling me they got a bunch of notifications from Lauren.
• Tea and music.
• Making plans for break.
• Looking forward to my bed.
• Text messages from Bradley.
• C-Store runs for random study-necessities.

I'm ready for break. That's for sure.

But I'm doing alright, here. Hangin' on...

Obligatory End-of-Semester Post

So it's finals week.
Which is crazy.

I'm nearly finished with my first semester of college.
Can you believe it?

I thought this would feel different, you know? As a college kid, I thought...well, I thought I wouldn't feel like such a kid anymore.

I realize that it's only been a few months.
I realize there's a lot left to go.

But I'm supposed to be an adult now. I'm supposed to be growing up, and becoming independent.

Yet, I feel like I'm stuck.

All that time I spent trying to escape high school.
All that time I was eager to move on.
All that time I felt like I was ready.

I'm not sure if I am. But it's coming at me, ready or not.

Sometimes I think people go mentally insane because they want to run away, but they can't bring themselves to physically do that. So instead their minds run away, to somewhere nice. And we're left with the part that had to stay behind.

You have 3 wishes.

I wish that I could make people feel better.
I wish that there was less to do, and more time to do it.
I wish that I had a better self-image.

Panic

I feel like I am the moon, and you are the sun; the only reason I shine, even if dimly, is because I reflect your light, which is so great.

Window

"Can you fly?" She asks me.
Cold, black eyes stare back.
Her breath is the chilling night wind; I shiver.
The depths below are calling, taunting.
Her eyebrow raises.
"I dare you" she whispers.
I jump.

Last night (aka I feel like a zombie)

I rub my eyes as I stare at my computer screen, finally deciding that it's time for bed.

I get up and close our door; the hall lights are off, indicating Quiet Hours. I walk around as I brush my teeth, looking at the mess our room has become. There are puzzle pieces everywhere, holiday decorations that have fallen off the wall and broken, glitter glitter and more glitter...

As I go back to the sink to finish brushing my teeth, I see my reflection. I look tired. It's been a while since I've had the proper amount of sleep.

I look to see what Lauren's doing, and decide to keep the lights on since she is still studying.

I climb into my bed. Sleep sounds very welcoming.

My iPod is sitting on the side-table. I reach for it, and decide that it's a night for falling asleep to Kina Grannis.
I'm asleep before the first song finishes.

But then I am awake again.
The room is dark. I'm tangled my headphones and, even though there are no sounds, everything seems muted. I take my headphones out, and wrap them up around my iPod, replacing it on the side-table.

I close my eyes.

It's hot.
I can't get comfortable.
I'm not tired anymore.

I try shifting around. I try very hard to fall asleep again. But I can't.

So I get out of bed. I put some pants and a sweatshirt on, and I go outside.

This weather has been so weird. It's warm out: I can feel that it's humid, but I'm comfortable.
I sit on a bench in the courtyard.

And then, thoughts rush at me.
But they don't come in an orderly fashion. They don't come one by one for me to think about, work out, and then move on from.

I'm not sure why I'm outside. I'm not sure why I couldn't fall back asleep. I'm not sure why I woke up in the first place.

I sit on the bench for a while.

And then I wake up.
I'm don't know when I fell asleep, but I am curled up, and a little cold.
My phone is still charging in my room, so I don't know what time it is.
I pull my keys out of my pocket and go back inside.

I get into the room, and gently open the door. I don't look at the clock. I am tired.
I fall asleep easily this time, without knowing for how long I will be uninterrupted by my alarm clock...

A good conversation

My friend Chris lives in Orono, and gave me a ride to and back from Minnesota.
The car ride up to Minnesota was pretty average. Some light-hearted joking around, small talk, playing classic car-ride games, jamming to music...

Chris was one of my first really close friends here at Iowa State. I was really glad to meet him, and felt comfortable with him almost instantly.

But more recently we had lost touch. Which was alright with me, I guess. But I wasn't looking forward much to our three hour car rides. I thought they might be awkward, and might be pretty quiet.

The first one proved to me as I expected it. I kept him talking for the first half pretty easily by asking him about all that's been going on with his life lately: he just got an internship with Rolls Royce for the Spring (very exciting).

The ride home was completely different, however.

We had a really good conversation. And I don't know what else to say about it than that.
It was a real conversation that both of us were invested in, and both of us had plenty to contribute to. And it was more meaningful than not.

I really appreciated it. And I think we've become close again, which is something that I hadn't realized I missed.

Jenna

Two posts in one day?!
What is this.

Crazy.

But anyway. Jenna. Yeah that girl. I don't even know where to start...

Well, I guess Jenna is someone who I was really excited to see because I knew that she'd be the same goofy Jenna, and probably have a bunch of crazy stories since she's at Madison so she's likely to party all the damn time (haha).

And of course, she was.

I think one of the most accurately-portraying Jenna Moments was when we were at Valerie's watching Doctor Who.
Jenna and I were at opposite ends of the couch, and Valerie was sitting on the chair beside us. Valerie asked us if we were okay being on the same couch, and Jenna said, "NO! Oh my goodness, Kira you need to get your feet out of my face. They smell so gross, oh my gosh!" and continued to go on and on and on and ON about it.

It's one of those things where Jenna takes a funny moment and wrings it dry until there's no funny left in it.

Even a few hours later, as we were going to take a "nap" (at 2:00am), everyone was quiet and all of a sudden Jenna giggles and says, "I was just thinking about the feet thing, again".

Oh man.

What I love about the friends that I saw over break is that we haven't talked really since the school year started. But it felt normal to see them again. Everything continued where it left off. And sure, we're all less connected to each other's lives now, and we have to fill each other in more on what's been going on, but that just makes the conversation flow more and keeps us talking in a coffee shop, even when all of us have to go home to help clean up for Thanksgiving.

And Jenna's personality hasn't changed, which I'm so glad about because she's always been someone who makes me laugh. Even when she doesn't mean to.

Fatima

Wow, sorry took a little hiatus there.
Not as long as they usually are, but oops.

I suppose this counts cause it's still Novembeard, and also, shouldn't I be able to say what I'm thankful for whenever?

Yeah.

So I hadn't seen my dear friend Fatima for a really long time. And of course I haven't seen her, we go to different schools in separate states. But I hadn't even Skyped her really, or done very well at staying in touch just via Facebook, text messages...not even tumblr anymore.

I almost didn't go with Valerie and Jenna to the U of M on Wednesday. I'd been pretty busy the days before, and I didn't have time to help clean up and prepare for our guests from Kansas to come, and I thought it wasn't going to fit into my plans.
But then I realized I wouldn't see her at all over break if I didn't go on Wednesday, so I thought screw it and went anyway.

After wandering around for thirty minutes trying to find each other, we finally met up. And being the four of us, we had no idea what to do then.

We finally settled on going to Caribou (because Valerie wouldn't have to pay anything, how convenient for her... haha), and we sat and just talked.

It felt so normal, but at the same time, I realized how much I had missed her.
The type of humor we both have, the snarky jokes she tells, the way we're both really judgmental, and our shameless girl-crushes.

I think another thing that makes me miss her even more is that we just started to become good friends at the end of high school. So it's like we're not done yet. It's not like old friends getting together. It's friends who are still becoming friends, but only getting to see each other every few months.

I'm really glad that I was able to see her, even if it was only for a few hours.

And now that I'm back on tumblr, maybe we'll stay in touch better ;) haha
(love you, wifey)

Valerie

Remember in 4th grade how we had pen pals? And mine was this girl who never sent me a picture of herself, so I never knew what she looked like. But I knew she liked hippos. And she knew I liked cows.

And then remember how we ended up going to middle school together and becoming friends? And she still liked hippos, and I still liked cows, and that's how we knew it was the same person.

She's one of those people who I have so much in common with, but we have different enough personalities that I never get sick of her.

She introduced me to Doctor Who, some of my favorite bands, and a bunch of great YouTubers. And I can always rely on her to share my interests. Whenever I feel dorky for being enthusiastic about something, I know I can go to her, and she will geek over it with me.

We like to read the same books, watch the same TV shows, listen to the same music, go on random adventures...

I think my favorite thing about her is that she and I never have awkward moments. Oh wait, we always have awkward moments; but not towards each other.
Whenever we get together, there aren't awkward silences. I never worry that it'll be uncomfortable or that we'll run out of things to say.

And even though we haven't seen each other in a long time, I know that when we do, everything will be the same.

I guess people change in college. That's bound to happen. We're becoming independent, we're finding out who we are in new situations. We're growing up.

But even if both of us change, our friendship won't change. I know I can count on that.

Also, she's super talented. Which doesn't have to do with our relationship, but it does have to do with her awesomeness. Can we all take a minute to listen to her sing?

This girl always makes me smile. And everything makes me think of her, because she's one of those friends that I used to always tell things to: just random things. And sometimes I make references to videos we've watched, or other interests we have, or inside jokes that she'd understand...and she's not there. And it makes me really sad.

But the stability of our friendship is comforting.
And I miss her, but I don't really have to miss her because she's still there and she's still one of my closest friends, despite physical distance.

And I'm just really excited for when I get to see her again.

Bradley

Someone I've known for over six years has either very quickly or very slowly become one of my best friends.

So there was this kid in middle school who I knew. He was pretty quiet, and liked to read.
I forced him to read two of my favorite books: Looking for Alaska and Water for Elephants.

In high school, we had some classes together. Every once in a while we would talk. We were friends. Sort of. I made him watch Skins.

We had a few things in common. But we were pretty different.
He was a little more emotional. I didn't care much about anything.
We both generally kept to ourselves.

And then...I don't know.
I really don't.
I went to college. He went to college.
I went to Iowa. He stayed in Minnesota.

Then one day, he messaged me on Facebook.
This wasn't abnormal. It started out as a pretty casual conversation. It felt really normal to talk.
But the next thing I knew, we had been talking for a while. And not just about petty things, anymore.

I didn't think much of it, at the time. Eventually I had to go, so we ended our conversation.

But the next time we talked I started to realized that he is now one of my best friends.

I can be having a terrible day, but I get message just saying "hey bud", and it's all better. I like having a friend like that.

Grandpa Greenbowe

My professor for Chem lecture is one of the kookiest men you'll ever meet.

In the middle of talking about electron configurations, he'll suddenly say, "Do you all know the difference between alpacas and llamas?". Then he proceeds to explain it, and moves on with electron configurations again.

Later in the lecture, he'll explain that in Minnesota and Wisconsin, men aren't very wealthy. So instead of buying a diamond ring to propose, they propose with an alpaca sweater, and later will buy a diamond ring.

But let's say later on, the relationship doesn't work out. And then the man asks for an item back, which he gave to her earlier. So does she give back the the alpaca SWEATER or the DIAMOND ring?

The answer of course is the SWEATER. Which he emphasizes thus.

And that is to teach us that when an electron is taken from an orbital, it is taken from the S orbital before it will be taken from the D orbital. Obviously.

But these are the types of stories he tells to make us understand the lecture material. It happens all the time.

Blah blah blah something about polar and non-polar molecules...
"Oh and remember: elephants and monkeys."
blah blah blah

Angela and I call him "Grandpa Greenbowe" because he's just so crazy, and he's got that classic "old man" attitude, and oh my gosh how great would it be if he was actually our grandpa?

But he was gone for the entire week, because he was in Croatia. And stupid Chad took over, who is kind of gay and kind of Asian and definitely confused.

But Grandpa was back today, for the optional lecture.
And all the things I was confused about came together in random stories about animals, and I'm just so upset that he wasn't there last week because I feel so unprepared for the exam.

It made me realize how much I appreciate him, though. His stories seemed so random, but they are actually great memory tricks, and really helpful. And I had teachers like him in high school all the time. But most professors here are serious and just teach.

So today, I've decided I'm thankful for Grandpa Greenbowe.

Also, wish me luck on the exam I have in 4 hours.
And pay your respects to my current chemistry grade, because it's about to die...

A day like today

Two nights ago I stayed up until 3:00 talking with a good friend. I had homework to get done by the next morning, but I always enjoy a good conversation so I couldn't help myself. And when I got back to my room, I finished my lab report and finally got to sleep around 5:30.

That next day was good, because the tiredness had yet to hit me. I was running off of adrenaline, and I even went for a six mile run in the evening.

This morning, however, I woke up, and I could feel the exhaustion. I expected a very long, very difficult day.

But it was somehow wonderful, instead. Gorgeous weather; it was nearly 60 degrees, and it was sunny.
Today felt really pure.
I don't know how else to explain it.

While walking to my first class today, I heard Adam's distinct laugh that always makes me smile, no matter how upset or tired I am. I waved hello to him and Greg as I passed them. I couldn't help but smile the whole way to Carver Hall.

I always have a good laugh with the girls from my french class. And we are planning to make red velvet cupcakes tomorrow, which I am excited for.

My three hour chemistry lab only took an hour to complete today.

I got to see my friend Chris, and rate his beard (as I am his official Facial-hair Facilitator for the month of Novembeard).

Josh asked to study with me for calculus, which was a funny little experience (as neither of us have any idea what's going on).

And after dinner with Tina and Megan, I went to check our mailbox.
What a great surprise to find a letter from Bradley. Which took me about 20 minutes to read, because of his handwriting.

But overall, today was a beautiful day. It was hardly more than ordinary. But I liked it. And it's days like today for which I am thankful.

Roommates

It's November!
Or as we call it in room 2257, Novembeard!

I figured since there is that one holiday coming up that has to do with giving thanks (but mostly FOOD!!!), that I would post about some things I'm thankful for.

Pretty cliché, I know, but it'll give me something to blog about.

So whenever I think of something that I appreciate, I'll make a quick little post about it.
The point isn't to pick the Top 10 things I'm thankful for, or to do something each day, it's just to be more aware of little (or big) things that come up that I realize I enjoy or am lucky for having.

Today, I realized how great it is that I ended up with the roommates that I did.

Angela, Tina, Lauren and I all get along really well with each other, and that's not a likely case. Out of all the types of girls there are, out of all the people I could have gotten paired with...
It's just crazy that we've become such great friends.

Angela is so grounded, and really chill about things. She's the one who makes plans and is what Caleb calls "our fearless leader" (bwahaha). But it's true. She's the really practical one. But we walk back from Chem Lecture together, and we're always in such a goofy mood. She's a no-nonsense type of person, but she's always laughing and having fun with things.

Tina always makes me laugh. She has some of the weirdest perspectives on things, and we're always being adventurous and crazy when we're together. On the flip side, however, she and I have become really close and I feel comfortable talking to her about a lot of things. Those relationships are great.

Lauren and I are sooooo weird. She's always making strange noises, faces, and doing weird dances. And she shamelessly does whatever she feels like doing. She's also incredibly smart, and is really helpful to have around for chemistry and French. Just a random perk. But the greatest of all is her twitter. Seriously, it sums her up perfectly.

What I feel lucky about the most is not just that I'm able to get along with each of them, but we all get along with each other. I know it's pretty early still, but we're already talking about our living-plans for next year. We all want to stay together, and I just think that's awesome, because it seems so unlikely. 

I thought about how different we all are, and how if I were to have met them in any other situation (like in a class or even if they were just neighbors of mine in Campbell), we probably wouldn't have made an effort to get to know each other very well. 

But I'm really glad I live with them. And I'm really glad they're my friends.

The Letter

I was having an average day. I wasn't particularly happy or upset. I was just going along.

After a boring lecture from Professor Hou on definite integrals, I was ready to go back to Martin and take a nap. But after taking a look at my To-Do List for the day, a nap wasn't going to fit into my schedule. So I stopped by the C-Store to get a coffee.

Angela gets our mail every morning, but I figured I would check it just in case.

Typically, I open our mailbox to disappointment: it's either empty, or there is campus-junk mail shoved inside for all four of us.

But not today.
Today, I opened the mailbox to find a letter.
Addressed to me.
From "Blossom".

I was smiling the whole way back to Martin, coffee and letter in hand, just itching to tear it open and read it. I stopped by the front desk to say hello to Greg, and then rushed up to room 2257. I threw my backpack on our very lumpy futon, sat down at my desk, and opened the letter.

That letter made my day. I was smiling the whole time I was reading it, and I even let out a few laughs.
It's knowing that a friend cared enough to write to me. It's the comfort of seeing her handwriting, and little doodles. And it's the familiarity of life back home.

So thank you, friend.
And be checking your box for a response :)

Words, words, words

Something I've always been keen on is words.

There's something incredible about the way words can affect one person entirely differently than they do another.

I've mentioned this before.

The reason it's become suddenly relevant to me is because of this quote:

"In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it."

- Mitch Albom, Five People You Meet in Heaven

I read that book, a long time ago.

Those words didn't mean anything to me at the time. That quote didn't stand out.

But seeing it now, it means so much.

See, for a while I had been struggling with a lot of things. There are a few CAs here that I strongly admire as people and as friends, and I talked to them about how conflicted I was feeling. They both told me the same thing, about how who I am now was affected by my past, but that doesn't mean my past has to haunt me.

They told me I need to let go of it all.

I thought I had. I told them that I had completely come to terms with everything, and that I had accepted it. But accepting something and moving on are different.

The accepting is merely to identify what it was that I felt. Moving on is the part where I establish why I don't need to feel it anymore.

And that's what I'm focusing on, now.

I'm starting to love college.

So remember that post about how I was really concerned that college wouldn't be a fresh start?

I was completely wrong.
It's not that college is a fresh start, though. Any time in your life can become a fresh start.

There's nothing better than the feeling that you have control.
I feel so great about life right now.

It's not that I've finally become who I want to be, or that I've figured a bunch of life's secrets out. But recently I've met a few people that have opened my eyes to a new perspective. And I just feel like I have more control now.

I've started compiling a list of goals that I'm setting. It's not easy to change things about yourself, I think we're all aware of that. But I'm going to take this one step at a time.

Why even bother?

I mean, seriously.

It's been nearly 4 months since my last post.
No one reads this, anymore.
I never have anything interesting to say.

But I'm going to do this.
Why?

Because I really like blogging.
There's something comforting in trying to collect all my thoughts into words and being able to see it all come together, like this.

I think if anything, doing this helps to put my own mind at ease. And if for nothing else, I think doing this for me is actually plenty of reason.

So here we go, again.

Camping.

It's getting to the campsite, which starts out as a nearly empty plot of land, consisting only of a picnic table and fire pit. It's making that place your temporary home.

It's taking a while to set up the tent, and then throwing everything inside of it. It's making sure the zipper is always shut so bugs don't get in. It's not touching the sides of the tent at night, because the condensation seeps through. It's waking up cold and stiff.

It's smelling of smoke all the time. It's sitting around at night talking to friends of which only orange faces can be seen from the fire. It's roasting marshmallows, and the chaos of making S'mores. It's eating too many, because they taste so good.

It's biking to every location. It's having aches in your groin from newness of sitting on a bicycle seat. It's deciding not to shower because you're going to go swimming later. It's playing beach volleyball with strangers. It's having a picnic by the river. It's wading downstream in water that is just deep enough for the need to hold your shorts up above your thighs.

It's deciding to bike 13 miles with a friend, instead of taking a car like everyone else...just to see a Fire Observation Tower. It's going the wrong way on a One Way, because the path is shorter. It's getting there earlier than those who drove in the car, and walking with your friend, just talking. It's seeing a deer, and becoming silent and still for long moments until it finally moves on. It's having long conversations about life and destinations.

It's eating food whenever you want. It's making dinner for a hungry group. It's alternating dish duty. It's finding creative ways to make clean-up as simple as possible. It's bringing too much food along on the trip. It's making sure the scraps and leftovers are put inside the car, so the bears don't infest the site at night. It's having soggy bread because the ice in the cooler melted.

It's hanging wet clothes on a line. It's having a raccoon visit the site, and naming it Sharon. It's going on spontaneous adventures. It's losing track of time.

It's having a small sight range at night because you can only see what your flashlight illuminates. It's getting warned by the Patrols that quiet time began at 10:00. It's finding out new things about people you thought you knew everything about.

It's being exhausted, but wanting to make the most of the day.  It's cramming everyone into one tent and playing UNO while it rains.It's being giggly from lack of sleep.  It's finally calling it a night, and taking half an hour to get settled into bed. It's having a conversation in the dark. It's staying up late because you have just one more story to tell.

It's waking up early because of the sun. It's realizing you're freezing and not wanting to get up, but having to pee.

It's getting packed up, and not understanding how all that stuff fit before but doesn't now. It's leaving the campsite, and feeling sentimental as if it really was your home. It's driving with a garbage bag hanging out the window until you get to the dumpster. It's making pit stops on the way home, stopping in a small town to play mini golf, and at a giant souvenir shop.

It's having a road trip. It's the wind blowing your hair every direction because all four windows are down. It's blasting music and obnoxiously singing along. It's eating Oreos and chips, even though you had lunch recently. It's being ready to go home, but not wanting it to be over.

It was three days, yet I feel as if it lasted a moment.
It was three days, yet I feel as if it lasted the whole summer.

I just really loved it. That's all.

Top 10 Things About Bob

10. Optimism. My dad is a "bright side of life" kind of guy. I can always rely on him to cheer me up. One time, I was having a bonfire with my friend Anna. It suddenly spewed ashes, and I stood up to stomp one out. Well....one must've fallen on my chair as I was standing, cause when I sat back down, I felt a sharp, burning pain in my lower back. I ran inside and told my mom that I had burned my back. She quickly ran to get a leaf of the aloe plant for me. My dad (who had run to Target quickly to pick up S'more stuff for Anna and I) came in to all this chaos. I explained what happened. Instead of panicking or trying to get me something to soothe it, he says "I know what'll help!", reaches into the Target bag, and pulls out a giant Tootsie Roll. I immediately felt better.

9. Messy. He honestly can't go a day without spilling on himself. He's the messiest eater! Like a baby: food flying in all directions from him while he eats. There's always a stain on his shirt, or a little bit of food on his pants. And he always gets mad when he spills, as if it's uncommon. Oh, dad. You're not fooling anyone.

8. Traditional. Nothing ever changes, for him. It's too traumatic. He had the same pillow for forty years. Okay Kira, quit with the hyperboles. No. He honestly had the same pillow for forty years. It was practically a cotton pad when we finally threw it out. And his glasses? Don't even get me started on those. And every time we buy a new piece of furniture, it takes him months to warm up to it. Even his music taste has been the same since the 70s...

7. Pet conversations. Oh sure, everyone has conversations with their pet. But Dad's are elaborate. Sometimes, I catch him trying to get the dogs attention like,
"Hey Charlie.
Charlie...
...
...
Hey Charlie, guess what?
...
...
CHARLIE!"
As if he's waiting for some sort of response. And his pet voices are even gooier than mine.
Have you seen Dom's Reo videos? That's kind of how my Dad is.

6. Simple. No one likes complication, but my dad is an extreme. He thinks everything can boil down to one simple answer. And if it's more complicated than that, it doesn't exist. It's not his problem, at least.

5. Hard worker. My dad takes things very seriously. He's what you would call a perfectionist. So much a perfectionist, as a matter of fact, that nothing ever gets done around here. You see, the basement was Dad's project. He was going to build our basement himself. Cool. Very cool. Except that it took over ten years for it to get finished.
But seriously, he's a very hard worker. Like, whenever something important has been lost, you know documents and such, it's never my dad's fault that it can't be found. My favorite one-liner..."I TRY SO HARD TO STAY ORGANIZED!" Classic.

4. Temper. When I was very little, I was playing in the tunnels at Discovery Zone. It's like a Chuck-E-Cheese type of place, in case you don't know. And anyway...I liked the way my voice echoed in the tunnels. So I started saying "God-damnit!" in a bunch of different tones and volumes, for fun. My mom did not approve of this, and later scolded me, asking where I heard such language. Well, from daddy, of course! You know, I took French in high school so I could figure out what the always meant by "Pardon my French". I've yet to come across those words in my studies, however.

3. Interests. My dad likes really boring things. Like golf. Who likes golf? But it's cute, because he gets really excited about it. I wanted to take him out for dinner, today. You know, celebrate Father's Day and all. But he was like, "We have to get home early, so I can watch the PGA!". And then, I went downstairs for a little while to watch it with him. And all of a sudden he says, "Oh boy, this is getting exciting!", as I watch a small white ball roll around on some grass...I'm just a little underwhelmed by it all.

2. Talents. You know what's really cool? My dad is a Software Engineer. I know, right? We have all the latest technology. Like a thirteen year old Dell desktop! Yeeeeeah buddy.
But actually. My dad should be able to understand technology. But he still calls text messages "e-mails", and sends things like "TeMaToCaMe" or "wru" or "fowthfe" because he things that's text slang.

1. Sucker for his baby. The number one thing about my dad, is that I've got him right where I want him. You know how dads can be: they're strict, and they don't take shit from anyone. But if his little Kira wants something...it's done. I'm so spoiled.

Well there you have it. The top 10 things about my dad, Bob. He can drive me crazy sometimes, but I love him.
Happy Father's Day!

Little Things

I'm finally done with high school. I hated that place.

The emotions I have about it all ending do not exist. Well...

That's not true, is it? Because there are little things that I will miss.
Hearing Jenna's outbursts, and conversations with herself.

Mr. Johnson's comments.

Mrs. Cardona's sarcasm.
Conversations with Sarah during the car-ride home.

Seeing friends in the hallway and making that wide-mouthed-surprised-face at them.
Senioritis, yo.

Making Karl escort me to class for fear of drowning or being trampled or being elbowed in the face.

Having a "secret handshake" with Sean.
Freewrite Friday.
Talking about hot girls with Fatima.

Max irritating Mr. Thompson. 

Discovering tumblr is not a blocked website on the school computers.
Advisory.

Lunch with Ellen Stowe.

Those are the things I will miss. Those were the things that made a difference. 

Those were the little things that made the big thing of Wayzata High School incrementally less awful, each day. 

And summer, which has seemingly only just begun, is already starting to die as we make an "x" on each quickly passing day...it brings me closer to this new big thing of Iowa State University. And what little things are going to make up that experience?

The End?

I got my 8th Grade Time Capsule in the mail today.
It's weird, because I thought, Wow. Eighth grade wasn't even that long ago! I remember all the things I put in here. I didn't think anything about it would surprise me.

But, boy, was I wrong.

First of all: I was a smart little eighth grader. I put a $20 bill in there.
Right?!
I know. Props to Past Kira.

Anyway. The things I can remember about eighth grade, the big highlights: they were mentioned only briefly in the letter I wrote to myself.
Everything else was about the little details, which I had forgotten already.

But those little details seemed important to me, at the time. Those things which I could not have remembered were the ones I included, the ones I focused on.

How strange, that in a moment, you can think one thing is important. Yet years down the road, even if only four of them pass between then and now, those oh-so-important things are hardly recognized, even upon retrieval.

What made me really think, was that the things I included are the ones that still apply to me: the ones that really changed me.

The most important things about my middle school life, which completely changed who I am, are the ones I have forgotten.

It's the moments that are so simple which affect you the most.
To use a psych term, it's not the flashbulb memories...it's not the LTP. Those are the most memorable, perhaps, but not the most life changing.

I made the capsule at an end: the end of middle school.
It's now the end of high school.

What I'm starting to realize now, is that everything that seems overwhelming, unbearable, or like it's a huge deal...they aren't actually defining moments in my life. The defining moments take place in secret. They don't make themselves known, they sneak themselves into your life and they don't have any sort of definition to when they start or end.

For example: becoming friends with someone.
When did you become friends?
There's no moment defining it.
Sure you met at this time. And the first time you hung out was that time.
But the actual becoming-of-friends moment? The one that matters the most?
There's no label for that. You don't know the exact moment it came to be.
But one day, you realize it's happened already. And you can't remember how or why.

It sounds weird, but it's true: the moments that change you are forgettable.

Three Strange Days

are yet to come.

They will be long days, but will be over quickly.
They will be busy days, but following will be the calm of summer.
They will be filled with apathy yet so much emotion.

High school has always felt this way though:
busybusybusybusybusyDONE.
It's so abrupt. There's no wind-down. There's no closure.
Even though this is the final year.

I thought it would be different.

I thought, despite my oh-so-anxious-manner to get out of here, that I would feel something.

Not that I don't. It's just...well for one, it hasn't quite hit me yet; it feels like any other year ending. And I think that will stop the first day I get homesick in college. Second, I've been anticipating this since semester two of freshman year. It's been "time" for a while. Third, it is coming so quickly that I don't even have the time to feel anything...

I'm stressed, as usual. And I have a lot to do.
I'll just be working working working, and then BAM. It's over.

No time to let it sink in.
And I know it's going to weird for me when it finally does.

I Should Do This More Often...

AGH.
Sorry for being so weird and emotional.

I'm just sick of some people, and I'm stressed, and anxious, and tired.

It happens.

But I feel good today, cause I did productive things.

• Cleaned the kitchen.
• Washed the floors. (these two were done while listening to Sondre Lerche and his Panadora station, which put me in a really good mood)
• Washed my clothes, towels, and sheets.
• Washed rugby jerseys. 
• Put everything away.
• Tidied my room. (aka the papers/folders/notebooks that have been piling up over the year)
• Cleaned my bathroom. (much needed)
• Vacuumed my room.
• Made my dad lemon bars. (finally)
• Read for a while.
• Played outside with my dogs. (even though it's cold and wet)

So that's what my day has been like so far.

I still need to go for a run, shower, and then go grocery shopping.

Also I need to take out money for tomorrow and Tuesday.

But, overall. I feel really good today. It's always nice to have a productive day that isn't stressful. 

I feel accomplished.

Anyway.

I guess my point is that I need to start doing more productive things when I'm home, instead of being on the computer so much. I think that is partially why I've been so antsy lately. 

Okie doke.

Peace.

What I Want.

I want every one to leave me the fuck alone, right now.

My family has been in my business lately, and I hate it.

SKLFJEOIHFIELSNFLKSD

Kira, didn't you just run, yesterday?

Kira, you're running too much.

Kira, you should eat an egg, you probably need protein.

Kira, you're not eating nutritionally.

Kira, did you eat dinner?
Kira, are you getting enough iron?

Kira, what did you have for breakfast this morning?

Kira, how come you are in your room all the time?

Kira, why don't you get enough sleep?

Kira, what are you doing that for?

Kira, get of the computer.

Kira, don't be so pissy all the time.
Kira, spend more time with us.

Kira, spend more time with your friends.

Kira, stop complaining.

Kira, why didn't you tell me you were going somewhere?

Kira, are you upset?

Kira, do you want to talk about it?

Enough.

I've been beating myself up lately because I've been unreasonably crabby or upset. But I'm starting to have doubts about the "unreasonable" part.

I'm so sick of everyone being concerned with the things I eat, the things I do, the places I go...

It's never mattered before. Why now?

I'm exhausted.

I feel weak.

I just want to be alone.

It's not because I'm running too much.

It's not because I need to eat.

It's not me being anti-social.

I understand: things have been stressful lately.

This is how I react. Leave me alone and I'll feel better in no time. 

Just because you don't deal with things this way, doesn't mean I can't.

Why doesn't that make sense to you?

I don't know what's going on, exactly.
But I feel awful right now.

And I want to talk to someone about it, but I don't have anyone to go to.

Things.

Right now, I'm the type of busy where there is so much going on that I don't actually do anything, because I don't know where to start.

Last year, when I tried polyphasic sleeping, I really thought it was going to solve all my problems. I think it might have helped (had I not been such a pussy and failed at adapting to it), but I honestly think there is no such thing as having enough time.

There are so many things that I've been meaning to do, but haven't gotten around to.

These are just a few of them. And please, feel free to skip over this next paragraph. It's just to demonstrate how much I'm slacking.

I need to clean, start projects, finish projects, study, catch up on things, get head starts on things...
My room's a huge mess and I promised Mom I would clean the floors for her two weeks ago. I haven't started my Ancient Civ project (which doesn't matter much, but I've had plenty of time). I have to finish doing my lab write-ups for PhysX because I always leave them until the night before the test, and that sucks. And I need to study for freaking AP tests (one of which is tomorrow holyfuck). I also haven't been watching Doctor Who lately, cause I haven't been nagging like I usually do. I haven't been reading The Fountainhead. I haven't been watching PBFB. I need to call Michele about this summer. I need to get a hold of Anna about camping. I need to get a haircut.

See the size of that list? And that's only part of it.

So. I mean, some of those are little things; unimportant things. Some of them aren't though.

And besides. That's not the point. The point is there's never enough time. Because even if I had five more hours of fully-functional-awake-time in my day than the average person, I would still be behind.

I'm trying to figure out how much I care.
Probably not a lot, considering I am blogging about it rather than trying to get some of those things checked off my list.

Ehhhh.

andanywaynothingmattersanymorebecauseimetboburnham.

What? Nothing. Who said that?

We Fucking Met BO BURNHAM.

I can't.
Not yet.
For now, here's this.

Anxiety and Cynicism

Let's skip over the part where I apologize and hate on myself for not blogging in a while.


I came to this realization today.
It's about to get cynical up in here, but hey. You have to put up with it; I'm family.

Fourth quarter of senior year: we're nearing the end.
And that's wonderful. I hate this place.

But I started thinking about why I'm so anxious to go to college, why anyone is.
It's to start fresh, right? To be independent, and start over.

All these people in high school, we've known them for four, seven, maybe twelve years. And they've seen us grow up; they know our past. There are things in our past that we are embarrassed of, that we've grown up from, that we've grown apart from. There's a lot of baggage that comes with all of that.

But college. Almost everyone is new.
Restart, right?

But here's my awful realization:
It's not a fresh start. I'm still me. The people I will meet will have a new "past" of mine to get acquainted with, and it will be just as embarrassing and I will change just as much through the next few years as I have in the past.

Having a fresh start sounds appealing because it's like having your mistakes and regrets erased.
But they aren't erased from you; you will still know of them. And the people you meet will witness the new mistakes that are bound happen.

I guess I'm just being cynical. But I realize that I don't really like who I am, all that much. And it's not like I'll magically become who I want to be when college starts. I'll still be the same old Kira, but to new people.

And that just sounds exhausting.

What I Love About Traveling

• The way you become strangely observant to the littlest things.
• When you start to realize the diversity of people that exist in the world.
• The way a city smells.
• Realizing you take things for granted.
• Appreciating new surroundings and situations.
• Becoming exhausted by 5:00 just from sightseeing and taking everything in.
• Hotels.
• Connecting with strangers based solely on the fact that you are both visitors to the area.
• Getting to see things in person that you see all the time in pictures or movies, but actually experiencing it. And it's different and wonderful, in a way you couldn't have imagined.
• Local food.
• Getting lost and panicking.
• Having the time to read a book.
• Not having an agenda, but doing a lot anyway.
• Being jet lagged.
• Taking pictures of everything.

San Francisco was great. I have a lot of stories, and I had been planning on blogging each day, but I never connected to the internet. 

I kept a journal though. So maybe I'll share the stories later.

Here are some pictures for now. 

Just a statue I like:

City Pics:

Fisherman's Wharf:

Drive to Monterey:

Monterey Bay Aquarium:

Golden Gate Bridge:

Before I Kick The Bucket...

So, obviously I peed my pants when I hit the "print receipt" button for 4 Bo Burnham tickets.
I'm so excited.
I can't even.

AH.

But anyway, Fatima brought up that it'll be the first item we can cross off our bucket list. Which is cool, because most the items on our list are unrealistic.

Our list:

• Go to Maroon 5 concert (which has already happened for 1/2 of us...but this is a communal list)
• Go to Bo Burnham show
• Meet Bo Burnham
• Meet John Green
• Compile book of favorite recipes
• Take a trip
• Collab youtube channel
• Open a bakery (for ourselves)
• 50th year reunion (at Jenna's)
• Go to UK
• Stalk JKR
• Meet 1D 
• Buy a bucket 
• Make a bucket list
• Stalk JGL
• Make Fatima a dress
• Attend wedding of Kira and Chris Bingham
• Learn to Mambo Italiano
• Think of word as response to when people cough
• Think of word as response to when people hiccup
• Think of word to describe emotion of when things end

So yeah. Some of them are clearly just us being silly. And some of them would be amazing, yet are unrealistic.
But going to a Bo Burnham show. It's happening.

I am that much closer to being able to die happy.

This Is How Everything Ends

guys. Guys. GUYS.

I just saw Watchmen.

And.
Like.
Ohmygod.

I had super low expectations going into it. I didn't think there was any way it could be remotely accurate. And Erik said it wasn't good and was bashing it and said it didn't even compare to the book...

And it doesn't. Right. But I think he seriously under appreciated it.

The characters were pretty spot on (except for Veidt, but Matthew Goode is ridiculously adorable, so whatever); most of the transitions were portrayed perfectly, and the really memorable scenes.. the ones which you think, either they have to get this down perfectly, or they should leave it out, were included, and were (yes I'm about to use this word) beautiful. SERIOUSLY.

Okay, so there were the obvious things that had to be skewed, and the parts that were left out, and the details they changed slightly to fit into this format. It's easy to look at the "wrong" things in a movie, to criticize for its inaccuracy. I think this is what Erik focused on. But overall, I enjoyed it.

That's all I have to say. Basically, you have to read Watchmen. And then you should see the movie, because it's good. Not super-freaking-amazingly-fantastic. But it's good.

My next plan is to read V for Vendetta since I haven't seen the movie yet, and have always planned on it. Alan Moore is twisted, but also a genius.

Maybe that'll be my San Francisco book. 
It's definitely going to be my San Francisco book.

OMG ILY XOX *disclaimer: this is pretty cheesy

I was just thinking....I really love my friends.

Okay yeah so whatever. It's cheesy and it's cliche and it's kind of one of those things people just say. But honestly. I really love my friends.

I guess it's partially because I've been seeing some of my friends a lot more lately than I usually do, and partially because I miss some of my friends that I haven't seen in a while, and partially because I'm thinking about college and the fact that, soon enough, I'm not going to see them anymore. But I just wanted to say how much I appreciate everyone.

And for as much as I hate this school, and can't wait to get out of here...really I can. I don't want to leave everyone, yet. I'm not ready for all these friendships to become something that is merely saying hello on Facebook every once in a while, or planning to meet up when we are both back in town, but getting to busy to actually do it.

We say now that it won't be like that.
And maybe it won't be. Not at first, anyway.

I just wanted to get that out there. But you guys already know how much I love you.

That's all.
Bye.

Mr. Bisanz

Just a situation from 8th Grade. It's exaggerated being it was actually a very quick moment during class and there probably wasn't all that much attention on me anyway, but since I don't have very many instances to work with...this is it.
And yes, Jenna. This is the one I didn't want to write about. 

I was walking back to my room; passing-time had already ended. I saw Kira and a friend hugging in the hallway. I was going to say something about getting to class, but I realized she had been comforting the other girl. I made eye contact with Kira through her friend's thick blonde, curly hair. I nodded to signal it was okay, and continued to the classroom.

I walked in to the usual scene. The same group of kids who are always talking were gathered in a corner, sitting on top of the desks, and laughing about things eighth graders find funny. The few awkward kids were sitting alone, with their books open and ready to go. A couple of girls were circled closely around Amy, who was whispering to all of them. And Jessica, who was snapping her gum loudly while throwing her pencil up in the air and catching it.

I walked to the front of the room and stood there a minute while everyone settled down and got to their seats. I looked around for empty desks to quickly take attendance. Looks like Tyler's seat was empty. And Jeremy's. And Kira's.

I remembered then that I had seen Kira in the hallway. I left her seat unmarked, for now.

"Okay, can you all take out your SQ3R's from last night?"

Shuffling of papers.

Then Kira walked in. I went to nod at her, again, but she didn't make eye contact with me.
Usually she takes out her notebook and writes down the Daily Proverb. She didn't today.
She put her books down and rested her elbow on her desk, buried her forehead into her palm, and shifted her head downward so her hair covered most of her face.

A couple of kids looked at her, but mostly everything seemed normal.

I walked around to collect the SQ3R's. I got to Kira and she shook her head at me. She usually has hers done. I just let it go.

I continued with my lesson. All of a sudden I noticed a quick motion from the corner of my eye. Kira had just wiped at her cheek. She quickly buried her face into her hand again, but it was too late.

"Why are you crying?" Jessica asked, rather loudly. Everyone's head shifted from me to Kira. She turned her head towards Jessica, but didn't say anything. I could tell she was trying to keep her composure, but I watched painfully as her face contorted and her cheeks got pink. I could see her eyes welling up. This was always awkward...

Then she got up and walked over to Margaret. Kira squatted beside her and gave her a sideways hug that wasn't reciprocated. Margaret just sat in the desk and looked around at the rest of the class: all of whose eyes were on them, now. Kira whispered something I couldn't make out, even though the entire room was silent.

"What are you talking about?" Margaret said at a normal volume.

Kira stood up and walked back to her desk. She was definitely crying at this point. She did a quick wipe of her face with both hands, took a deep breath, and then looked up at me: pencil in hand and notebook open in front of her, as if to say what are you waiting for? Teach me something.

So I did. I continued on with the lesson as if nothing had happened. The rest of the class took a moment to focus on me, as their attention remained on Kira and Margaret. They eventually started to pay attention, and class went on as usual. I noticed as people would sneak glances of Kira every once in a while, as did I.

But it didn't really matter. It was probably just some dumb eighth-grade-girl drama.

A Brief Apology

I know I'm not always the most sentimental and deep person when we interact.

I know that I can be angry and I can get emotional in that way; but anger and jealousy and frustration and stressing and happiness and excitement are all extremely different from sadness.

The reason I never show a deeply unhappy side is because (typically) I don't have one.

But I'm only human. And I happen to be female, at that.
So sometimes I get little bursts of some sort of emotion and I'm not sure how to express it and then I just let it out in strange ways that can make other people uncomfortable or confused.

So if that ever happens, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. And I'll try to control myself better.
That's all.

Time Capsules

Okay, well I guess it's my turn now.

Here's a short story I wrote in 6th grade. It's strange, but everything else I found that was "worth sharing" involved pictures, and I didn't have the patience to scan them all. Maybe some other time...
But anyway. I suppose I'll follow the format that each of you did, with the different colored comments. Here it goes.

Also sorry if my comments are really long, and sort of distract from the plot. But it's not super compelling anyway. So I suppose it doesn't matter.

................................................................................................................................

Rumors have been circulating for years now that aliens are visiting our planet. Yeah. I have a feeling I had recently seen Alien Autopsy when I wrote this. I was interested in the whole Roswell case. It is believed by many that we are being watched by them, and it is believed by some that they are even taking pictures of us. This makes more sense once you know the ending... Now it has been confirmed. Their craft recently crash landed and we have captured three alive.

Being I am head security, I was called in to ask them questions. This was an unfortunately difficult task. I don't know how aliens would be. I tried to imagine how difficult the process would be if we captured some. But anyway. I don't think I did a very good job at it. I make it sound like it was simple. They did not communicate the same way we did. Their appearance was unusual as well. They had hair growing in odd places on their face. Like us, they would breathe through two holes on their face. But their skin, it was deep color unknown to be a skin color, and their eyes were colors just unknown. I had fun thinking about this line. I mean, it's impossible to imagine colors that are unknown to us, we think they can't exist...we know all the colors that exist. But I thought, what if aliens appear with colors we've never seen or couldn't imagine until that very moment we saw them? That would be insane. Like...you remember watching "Flatland"? It'd be like that. They all appeared to be of the same species, yet they all looked so different. I think it's interesting how, when we portray aliens, they all look the same. Humans don't all look the same.

We had studied them for a while and finally got a communication pattern down. I was to ask them a few questions.

"What are you doing on our planet?" I asked. If we actually could communicate with aliens that crash landed on our planet, I would hope we wouldn't just open up with this question. It's rude.

They were all shocked initially by the communication. Perhaps they thought we were not intelligent enough to figure out their language. I mean, I can hardly figure out languages that exist on our planet. It would be extremely difficult to figure out another language. ALSO. What is this assumption that aliens have a language? What if the aliens that crash landed were the equivalent to our dogs or something? The darkest looking of the species finally spoke back. We assume him to be their leader. Racist against the lighter-toned of the species. 

"We just, we didn't know there was life on your planet. This is a very important discovery for us. We were sent here from our home planet to investigate."

"Your home planet," I questioned, "and where might that be?"

Oh my gosh you guys there's actually no suspenseful build up to this line. "We call our planet, Earth."
See that was so non-suspenseful! I mean, the whole point was that you sit here thinking it's humans who have discovered this alien race, but it's actually from the perspective of a species from another planet of which we invaded. Like, what if someday, we are the aliens? But anyway. I would say it's generally poorly written.
But...if I can pat myself on the back just a little bit, I do like the concept, still.


...............................................................................................................................

So that's that.
Moving on.

I know I made this point briefly in my vlog about the future, but I really liked this "assignment" Jenna gave us because it's cool to look at what each of you wrote when you were younger, and it was fun going through my old things, as well.

I think we make time capsules on accident, just from living life. If we think to save things, later we can look at them and they are just like a time capsule only better. I think they're more genuine. Because when you make a time capsule with the intention of making a time capsule...you know what information you are adding or keeping from it. And that takes away from its authenticity.

Umm.
*Forest Gump voice* That's all I have to say about that.

Why is this so difficult?

I used to write for fun all the time.
I'd start fiction stories.
I'd keep a journal.
I'd write songs.

Wouldn't you think keeping a blog would be easy?

It's not.

Not for me, at least.

I don't know what's changed about me. I used to love writing, I used to have a really strong passion for it. But  I find it really difficult to motivate myself anymore, to think of anything worth writing...and worth reading for that matter.

I was going to try and self-assign a section of a revived fiction piece I started from 10th grade. But I thought about how difficult that would be, so I just deleted the post.

And now I'm just angry with myself for being such a hardcore failure.

I'm going to do this.
Okay?
This is going to happen.

Some of the posts are going to be like this, some are going to be lazy and dumb, some will be obnoxious: full of rants and complaints, some will be like a journal, some will just be updates.

But then some of them will be thoughtful. Some of them will be interesting. Some of them will be worth your time.

I promise. Just...stay tuned. And bear through the crap ones.
I really want this to work. And if that's going to happen, I just have to keep posting and posting until something accidentally turns out well. Because if I keep waiting for the right idea to come to my mind on what to blog about, I will probably never post again.

Ready, set, go.

CHEATER!

Yes yes yes. That's me.
I'm a cheater.

I was all "no recreational internet for the weekdays!"
It's a Tuesday evening.
I'm not even done with my homework yet.

But here I am.

It's just that I have so many unfinished things. And I hate it. I've made probably 12 vlogs, but they haven't been posted because I a) haven't finished editing them or b) wasn't patient enough to upload them or c) wanted to wait because sometimes impulsiveness leads to embarrassment in my case...
The themed tumblr about "thingsilivefor"...I have about 50 pictures edited for that too. FINISHED. Just not posted.
I've also started 2 (now 3) blog posts. I have them here as drafts, honestly. But I just haven't finished or posted any them.

I know, I should go and finish editing my vlogs.
I know, I should post my tumblr pics.
I know, I should finish my thoughts on the 2 other blog posts and publish them.

I won't. Because that'll take too much time, and I'm already cheating. But that's what I'm doing this for. I'm making a post about how I haven't been making posts, and I'm posting it. Just for the sake of posting. Of finishing something.

I guess what really motivated me was that I got sad all of a sudden.
I miss Comp. I miss Fatima and Jenna and Bridget. I miss Cardona. I miss blogging. I miss writing.

I miss finishing things.
And sadly I've begun to realize the main reason things get finished is because they have to. More often than not, my finished work is done because it's an assignment, not because it's something that I just felt like doing.
I have no reason to post my vlogs anymore. So I don't.
It would only take a few minutes to post my tumblr pics, but it's so much easier to just reblog things that have already been made. So I haven't.
I told myself I would continue blogging, but there's no Weekend Update to prompt me...no 5 points in the formative category to motivate me. So I've stopped.

Maybe this is a dumb post.
Maybe the topic is a little banal.
Maybe it's not my best writing.

But it's finished.
And I'm posting it.

Endings.

I finished reading The Fault In Our Stars today.

I have been anticipating getting the book. I pre-ordered it so long ago that I can't even remember, and I waited and waited and it was supposed to be released in May, but instead they decided to release it early because it became #1 bestseller on Amazon and it was still only on pre-order and that's so incredible and I love John Green and I am so happy for him and anyway.

I got it. And then I couldn't read it, because I had missed a week of school. I was busy. I was stressed. I really wanted to snuggle with my dog and stay home again and drop out of school and read TFiOS.

But I didn't. And now it's the end of term. I still have a few things to make up, but for the most part I can relax. So I got home yesterday, I let my dogs outside, and I gave them a snack because I was letting myself have a snack, and why not.  Then I went downstairs and sat in front of the fire, and read until I inevitably fell asleep because I have really only gotten 6 hours of cumulative sleep this week. And then when I woke up, I read again until it was bedtime.

Today I woke up early because my stupid alarm went off because it forgot that I don't have school today (alarms tend to forget these things, I have to remind it. But whatever). So I cleaned because my mom is having her work-friends over sometime today and I told her I would. And then I got showered and dressed and put a prettier face on because I am hanging out with my best-friend-since-first-grade-who-I-haven't-seen-in-ages today. And then I had some time to kill. So I finished TFiOS. And then I sat there for a while, just feeling incomplete.

That was a very long story. Especially because that is not at all the story I am trying to get at.

I just read Mrs. Cardona's blog post about it being the end of term, and being in love with Orwell, but really just the entire 50 Essays writers, and about how it's awkward to be sentimental, but she'll miss us and we should keep blogging etc.

And that's when it hit me: it's over.

Not in a dramatic and "everything is ending" kind of way. But it's done. And I think I felt a little more conclusion with Comp than any of my other classes, but in high school it's like: work.work.work.study.unit test.work.studystudystudy.finals.end. It's not like in elementary or middle school where there's a wind-down and you get the chance to realize everything's going to be over soon and you get to say everything you want like goodbyes and "I'll-miss-you" and "see you next year" type of things.

Sometimes things end abruptly: like the end of a book, or semester, or life. And you're left with a sort of cliff-hanger feeling. Like you've been spiraling toward something all of a sudden you stop. And it makes you feel sad and happy and emotional and strange. And you feel like nothing's ended really, but it has.

And you look at everything in a new way, but you feel like no one else does, and it's frustrating.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm just rambling. But I wanted to do this because I feel something right now, but I don't know what it is, and I think maybe if I try to write it, I will understand.

I still don't. But that's okay.

Index to Chapter 17: AP Comp and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Days (312-527)

Arguments 312-527

      logical fallacies 320

      Spoken 322

      Visual 34

      Written 312-314

Anxiety 312-527, 321, 340, 347, 356, 358, 360, 419, 422, 496, 527

      Power Writing 340, 356

      when I check Skyward 312-527

      from when I turn a paper in and it's final but I won't know my score for a while 321, 347, 358, 360, 419, 422, 496, 527

Baking 418, 482, 486, 491, 512

      rainbow cake of epicosity (see Fatima and Jenna) 418

      toffee cupcakes for end of term that took forever (see Fatima and Jenna) 512

      mentioned in Cardona's Weekend Update 482, 486, 491

Bridget 333-345, 341, 392, 418, 477

      does not think Amy Tan is funny 477

      makes me laugh 341

      is awkward 333-345

      should've baked our rainbow cake with us (see Baking) 418

      What are those sounds she is making? Oh, she's just saying hello 392

Fatima 312-527, 355, 418, 500, 512, 527

      Baking 418, 512

            rainbow cake 418

            toffee cupcakes for end of term 512

            see Sarcasm 340

      Can't live without her (see Jenna) 312-527

      is my mother 355

      is my wife 500

     Silly Songs With Fatima 527

Freewrite Friday 366, 422, 516

      are embarrassing to read  422

      is my favorite 422

      I wonder what Dwight writes in his 516

      theme song that I've only heard twice but it gets stuck in my head every time 366

Important Authors  313-315, 322, 326, 327-328, 347, 413-415, 422, 461, 476, 510, 514

      Alexie, Sherman 315

            First reading and CRJ 332

      Ascher, Barbara 510

      Bitzer, Lloyd 313

            Intimidating start of course 313

            What the heck is this guy talking about 314-315

      Cooper, Bernard 415

      Didion, Joan 326, 347

      Eighner, Lars 422

      Liu, Eric 461

      Mairs, Nancy 467

      Orwell, George 327-328

      Sedaris, David 514

            is hilarious 514

      Swift, Jonathan 412

            Can I get some BBQ sauce? 413

            eats babies 412

            Yum 415

      Tan, Amy 422

            is not funny (see Bridget) 477

Important Concepts 315, 327-328, 360, 326, 488

      Burke's Pentad 488

      Form, Audience, Purpose 326

            Starting point for Rhetorical Analysis 326

      Orwellian writing 327-328

      Rhetorical Triangle 360

      Toulmin Model 315

It's The Little Things 313-315, 322, 326, 327-328, 347, 413-415, 419, 422, 461, 476, 510, 514

      CRJs 313-315, 322, 326, 327-328, 347, 413-415, 422, 461, 476, 510, 514

            good practice for quizzes 419

            I was not good at them 419

            were tedious 313-315, 322, 326, 327-328, 347, 413-415, 422, 461, 476, 510, 514

      Font 314

            as an argument 314

            Comic Sans (see Things We Hate) 314-315

      Quizzes 313-315, 322, 326, 327-328, 347, 413-415, 422, 461, 476, 510, 514

            on which I got embarrassingly low scores 342

            Urgh I had that answer and I changed it, WOT. 342

      Shitty First Drafts 312-527, 325, 347, 258, 422, 496

            Funny article 325

            Oh yeah, I have plenty of these 312-527

            What, you mean this isn't my final finished product? 347, 358, 422, 496

      Vocab 318, 401

            My group's presentation was so messed up 401

            My water broke, a harbinger of my baby! 401

            skits 318, 401

On-Going Projects 360-362, 512

      Blog 360

            Blog study 360-362

            Nomadic Matt 360-362

            Lots of travel blogs 512

      BLA 312-527, 410, 487

            Fast Food Nation 410,

                  WHAT goes into fast food?! 410

            SuperFreakonomics 487

                  was super freakin interesting 487

      Learning! 312-527

            Bad, Kira. You're being cheesy. 312-527

Jenna 312-527, 322, 355, 412, 418, 512, 519

Baking 418, 512

            rainbow cake 418

            toffee cupcakes for end of term 512

      Can't live without her (see Fatima) 312-527

      is a puppy 355

      talks to herself 322, 412, 519

Mrs. Cardona 312-527, 349, 412, 462, 519

            see Sarcasm 312-527

      hates advisory 349

            what? I mean she loves advisory 349

      I will miss her 527

      is intimidating 412

      is snarky 519

      is wonderful 462

     

Purely Evil 321, 347, 358, 360, 419, 422, 496, 527

      BFR 347, 496

      Finals 419, 527

      Power Writing 358, 422

      Rhetorical Analysis Paper 360

      Speech Analysis 321

Pieces to Study 312-327, 313, 327-328

      50 Essays 312-527

      Everything's An Argument 312-527

            yes really, everything 312-527

      Politics and the English Language 327-328

      The Rhetorical Situation 313

Rhetorical Appeals 350, 351, 352

      Based on character 352

      Based on emotion 350

      Based on logic 351

Rhetorical Devices 323-326

      Diction 324

      Style 326     

      Tone 325

      Voice 323

            gives your writing power 323

Rhetorical Modes 371

      I am bad at distinguishing these 371

Sarcasm 312-527, 355, 418, 500, 512

      Fatima 312-527, 355, 418, 500, 512

      Mrs. Cardona 312-527

That's Humerous 460-461

      Genres 461

            Caricature 461

            Parody 461

            Satire 461

      Horatian 460

      Juvenalian 460

Things We Hate 314-315, 327-328, 342, 412, 510

      Abbrevs 510

      Cheesy or banal language 327-328

            of which Ryan always used 412

      Comic Sans (see It's The Little Things) 314-315

      Emoticons 342

      "Ethos", "Pathos", "Logos" 350-352