Heartbroken

I hate to be a cynic.
Who the fuck am I kidding? I (apparently) love to be a cynic.

It's not so much that I enjoy finding ways to be let down, but as it turns out, most people suck. And it hurts significantly less to discover this if you're prepared for it.

Let me be clear: I'm not sitting high-and-mighty on my throne overlooking all the shitty people of the world, thinking about the ways I've been wronged by people, or which injustices have been done to me, or the unfortunate circumstances that have happened upon me.
I'm people too. And I suck.

Recently I've come to find that friends are only "friends"when it's convenient. People care about you, and they share themselves with you, but then suddenly they stop. And they only begin again when they need you.
I'm guilty of this too. But I'm sorry. Aren't I?

He cared so much about me and was being so supportive. But now I haven't heard from him in weeks.
But how have I treated him? I was always there for him when he needed me. And now that his life seems in order, I keep thinking that I'm not even needed. But everyone needs a friend, even when you don't need a friend.

She shared everything about her life with me, and now I'm discovering new information about her second-hand.
Well, I told her everything about me, but now I've been telling her lies. That's even worse than with-holding information, isn't it?

He checked in on me every once in a while, and made sure to keep encouraging me, even when I wasn't in particular need of encouragement. But now he's too busy to even say hello in passing.
And yet I'm the piece of shit friend that never once told him that everything was going to be okay. Not sincerely, at least.

They were such good friends of mine, and now I can't stand the sight of them.
Although to be honest, I didn't even try to communicate with them, and my patience wore thin with no attempt to resolve it.

So I'm a little heartbroken. But maybe I deserve this.

Thought Vomit

I'm going to throw all my thoughts out and not try to organize them or worry about grammar or anything. I'm just going to "freewrite" if you will; so don't be offended by my lack of coherence or elegance or transitions or whatever else you think is lacking from this post.

On April 1st I talked to Dr. Tokorcheck, and although he didn't say anything that was particularly encouraging, I left that meeting with a changed perspective, and a true deeply-rooted happiness.

That lasted (surprisingly) until September. And yes, I know I wasn't bound to stay in an unusually happy state forever, because people go through cycles... you have highs and lows and that's just how it is.

But here's the thing: I totally and completely believed that I was going to stay happy forever. I thought that I had reached some sort of really cool "zen" understanding of myself, or of life, or whatever.

You might just roll your eyes and think, how naive!, but it wasn't like I was giddy-happy, in love, or had received wildly uplifting news. It was sort of the opposite: I had been told that I was stuck, trapped, and had virtually no options. But that made me feel a sort of liberation from having to make decisions (which we all know I'm terrible at), and I wasn't high on this realization, I was just... genuinely content? I don't know how to describe it.

What I'm getting at is that I wasn't being unrealistic in thinking it could last forever.
Well, I didn't think I was, at least.

So I've been reading a lot of psychology texts recently, and I've come to realize that there are so many things in life that we don't actually have that much control over. And as scary as that is, it's also kind of a freedom. And it's weird because everyone, no matter what circumstances are presented to their life, eventually end up at the same level of happiness they started with, meaning you're always going to return to your "ground zero", and the cycles are always going to temporary.

I don't know, I guess I'm going through a bit of a low right now, but I feel that I understand enough about the way I'm feeling to know it's going to blow over soon enough. And yes, I'm allowed to feel a little down, and yes I'm allowed to sulk a bit, and yes I'm allowed to want to be alone for a couple weeks.

No, I'm not depressed. No, you shouldn't be concerned.

Anyway, there's actually some really fun results of this weird funk I'm going through. I've been reading more, and I'm SO IN LOVE with Michael Chabon and his book The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay. It's incredibly written: artful, cynical, witty, and brilliant. I've also come to find there are some unexpectedly cherishable friends in my life, which is nice. And a weird result of my putting less effort into how I look has been a gain in comfort with my appearance (yeah, weird right?).

So I mean whatever. Life is okay.
It's not even Thursday, but hi.


This week's Weekly Distraction

There's a house that I built.

And yet somehow I can explore it, and find new and confusing things. 

Quitting

is the hardest thing I've ever done.