Endings.

I finished reading The Fault In Our Stars today.

I have been anticipating getting the book. I pre-ordered it so long ago that I can't even remember, and I waited and waited and it was supposed to be released in May, but instead they decided to release it early because it became #1 bestseller on Amazon and it was still only on pre-order and that's so incredible and I love John Green and I am so happy for him and anyway.

I got it. And then I couldn't read it, because I had missed a week of school. I was busy. I was stressed. I really wanted to snuggle with my dog and stay home again and drop out of school and read TFiOS.

But I didn't. And now it's the end of term. I still have a few things to make up, but for the most part I can relax. So I got home yesterday, I let my dogs outside, and I gave them a snack because I was letting myself have a snack, and why not.  Then I went downstairs and sat in front of the fire, and read until I inevitably fell asleep because I have really only gotten 6 hours of cumulative sleep this week. And then when I woke up, I read again until it was bedtime.

Today I woke up early because my stupid alarm went off because it forgot that I don't have school today (alarms tend to forget these things, I have to remind it. But whatever). So I cleaned because my mom is having her work-friends over sometime today and I told her I would. And then I got showered and dressed and put a prettier face on because I am hanging out with my best-friend-since-first-grade-who-I-haven't-seen-in-ages today. And then I had some time to kill. So I finished TFiOS. And then I sat there for a while, just feeling incomplete.

That was a very long story. Especially because that is not at all the story I am trying to get at.

I just read Mrs. Cardona's blog post about it being the end of term, and being in love with Orwell, but really just the entire 50 Essays writers, and about how it's awkward to be sentimental, but she'll miss us and we should keep blogging etc.

And that's when it hit me: it's over.

Not in a dramatic and "everything is ending" kind of way. But it's done. And I think I felt a little more conclusion with Comp than any of my other classes, but in high school it's like: work.work.work.study.unit test.work.studystudystudy.finals.end. It's not like in elementary or middle school where there's a wind-down and you get the chance to realize everything's going to be over soon and you get to say everything you want like goodbyes and "I'll-miss-you" and "see you next year" type of things.

Sometimes things end abruptly: like the end of a book, or semester, or life. And you're left with a sort of cliff-hanger feeling. Like you've been spiraling toward something all of a sudden you stop. And it makes you feel sad and happy and emotional and strange. And you feel like nothing's ended really, but it has.

And you look at everything in a new way, but you feel like no one else does, and it's frustrating.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm just rambling. But I wanted to do this because I feel something right now, but I don't know what it is, and I think maybe if I try to write it, I will understand.

I still don't. But that's okay.