Thoughts from my bedroom floor.

For my blog this week, I have a loose transcription of this video I made while I was supposed to be revising for final exams.

...

It's hard to verbalize the emotion you experience when things come to an end. Yeah, there's still not a proper word for this feeling. It's frustrating.

Because the semester is ending, right? And it's the second semester of my fourth year. Consequently, I have a lot of graduating friends. So I've been doing some last-minute reaching out to these people, but it's weird, because in my mind it doesn't feel like a huge deal. It's like... well, they're leaving me. And I feel helpless and like it's all out of my control (which, of course it is), and usually I feel scared of that, right? But right now I don't.

I'm sad that certain people are leaving my life. I'll miss them. But I also am just very aware that moving on is something that needs to happen. It's like this feeling of inevitability. It's not like... doomed, or destiny. It just is. It's....it's that goddamn emotion of when things come to an end. Dang, that word just needs to be invented already. (I bet there's a word for it in French. Or some other cool language of emotional people.)

Anyway I guess maybe it's because it doesn't feel real yet. Maybe it's because I'm still going to be here at Iowa State, living life as per usual. Nothing big is changing for me. Not yet, at least.

But then again, I'm not so positive I'm going to feel sad and empty when the time comes for me to leave this place. Because there's so much more out there beyond the degree. I know that my friends are going places and they're going to do great things. Some of them are already lined up to move on to their next destination. Some of them are not, and are in a sort of panic about the ambiguity that lies ahead.

Who knows which of these groups I will be in come a year's time. But what I do know (or what I hope) is that either way I'm going to feel great. Just as I feel for all these people moving on to the next stage of their lives. It's meant to happen, obviously. And I'm just so grateful to have been a part of their experiences, and I'm grateful to be having my own. In a year, I hope I still feel this way. I hope I look back and instead of feeling sad and nostalgic, I am just proud of what I accomplished in my years here, and will be eager to have the same pride in my accomplishments moving forward.

This is how I feel for my friends. I'm proud of them, and I'm excited for them. And these emotions feel so much better than the emotions of sadness and endings and goodbyes.

So good luck, friends. I'm so excited for you.
Happy Dead Week.


This week's goal: Recreational reading before bed.