Sunday, October 18, 2015

Thought Vomit

I'm going to throw all my thoughts out and not try to organize them or worry about grammar or anything. I'm just going to "freewrite" if you will; so don't be offended by my lack of coherence or elegance or transitions or whatever else you think is lacking from this post.

On April 1st I talked to Dr. Tokorcheck, and although he didn't say anything that was particularly encouraging, I left that meeting with a changed perspective, and a true deeply-rooted happiness.

That lasted (surprisingly) until September. And yes, I know I wasn't bound to stay in an unusually happy state forever, because people go through cycles... you have highs and lows and that's just how it is.

But here's the thing: I totally and completely believed that I was going to stay happy forever. I thought that I had reached some sort of really cool "zen" understanding of myself, or of life, or whatever.

You might just roll your eyes and think, how naive!, but it wasn't like I was giddy-happy, in love, or had received wildly uplifting news. It was sort of the opposite: I had been told that I was stuck, trapped, and had virtually no options. But that made me feel a sort of liberation from having to make decisions (which we all know I'm terrible at), and I wasn't high on this realization, I was just... genuinely content? I don't know how to describe it.

What I'm getting at is that I wasn't being unrealistic in thinking it could last forever.
Well, I didn't think I was, at least.

So I've been reading a lot of psychology texts recently, and I've come to realize that there are so many things in life that we don't actually have that much control over. And as scary as that is, it's also kind of a freedom. And it's weird because everyone, no matter what circumstances are presented to their life, eventually end up at the same level of happiness they started with, meaning you're always going to return to your "ground zero", and the cycles are always going to temporary.

I don't know, I guess I'm going through a bit of a low right now, but I feel that I understand enough about the way I'm feeling to know it's going to blow over soon enough. And yes, I'm allowed to feel a little down, and yes I'm allowed to sulk a bit, and yes I'm allowed to want to be alone for a couple weeks.

No, I'm not depressed. No, you shouldn't be concerned.

Anyway, there's actually some really fun results of this weird funk I'm going through. I've been reading more, and I'm SO IN LOVE with Michael Chabon and his book The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay. It's incredibly written: artful, cynical, witty, and brilliant. I've also come to find there are some unexpectedly cherishable friends in my life, which is nice. And a weird result of my putting less effort into how I look has been a gain in comfort with my appearance (yeah, weird right?).

So I mean whatever. Life is okay.
It's not even Thursday, but hi.


This week's Weekly Distraction

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